"Before I used to be afraid of being alone. Now, I'm afarid of having the wrong people as comapny."
This past weekend we observed a major Holiday in Korea. Its Chuseok (추석), which is comparable to Thanksgiving in the west. Similarily, families gather around food to celebrate and and remember their ancestors. As a foreigner living in Korea, I have not had the chance to experience such a gathering. Instead, I usually spend the holdiday with friends. I ate dinner with some new friends on Wednesday evening. But I spent the holiday alone this year.
From Thurday to Saturday I never left my apartment.
It crossed my mind to go for a walk and get some fresh air. But I did not. Honestly, the only reason I thought to leave was the idea of people asking me how I spent my holiday the following week. Not having anything special to say felt like a let down. How dare I live in a foreign country and do nothing speical during a long weekend!?
But that's what I did, and I enjoyed every second of my time alone. Since summer vacation, God has been showing me how to enjoy spending time alone, nonjudgementally. When I am alone, I am in control. I can cry, laugh, eat, sleep, and do as I please, when I please. What a beautiful feeling it is to be alone and content.
As I sat in my room Saturday night, with the candlelight as my only companion, a sense of peace washed over me. I thought about where I was one year ago: Tormented with worry and anxiety about how what others might have thought of me. I even thought about where I was two years ago: Nursing a broken heart and looking for a decent job after graduating from university.
When I think on these things I say, 'Thank you Lord.'
Today I am happy. Not just happy, but joyful. I am satisfied with where I am in life. I wish I could describe it better, but its as simple as that. I want for nothing but continued direction from God.
Even still, there are things I would like to accomplish, and I believe these desires are God given:
I want to stay in South Korea. This feels a bit irrelevant to say, but...insert shrug emoji here. Because this desire is indefinite and conditional, if something changes my current emotions, maybe I will be on the next thing smoking, back to America! But let's just say God has me on assignment in South Korea, so leaving is a not an option until he says its time to go.
I want to start a family. Although this has been a goal of mine since I was a little girl, I feel it has evolved. It seemed much simpler and atainable in my childlike mind. I do feel its closer now, but its a bit more complicated. Even still, God continues to surround me new friends, many of which are married couples. I don't think its by coincidence that I have examaples of what marriage looks like all around me.
I also want to point out, that had I had so many married friends around me even a year ago, I might have felt more bitterness than gratitude. But I am changing, and seeing these beatiful couples gives me hope for my future.
So...I desprately wanted to write three goals to complete this blog post but I cannot thing of another one that would fit. So let's just say that my final goal is to...smile more. SAY KIMCHI!
Make sure to take some time this week to tell the Lord, and anyone you love "Thank you." And whatever your goals are I pray that you have the stregnth and courage to go after them fearlessly!
I love you for reading!
P.S. I want to know your goals & what you're thankful for! If you're willing to share, shoot me an email or a message via sns!