Its time out for the "this is just the way I am" excuse. Do everyone around you, and more importantly, YOURSELF a favor and detox those toxic patterns in your life. Self-examination here we come!!
I said you and we. but this is all about me...
A few post ago, I wrote something about being self-aware. Something about being grateful for my level of self awareness. But I relaized last Friday that this new ability is simply God holding a mirror up for me to see myself clearly. Seeing myself is painful. It hurts when I see things that I don't like. And if I'm not careful, I can allow myself to overthink and fall into a pit of self loathing.
But God is not showing me myself to shower me with shame. In fact, This is one of many signs of God's love.
"My dear child. don't shrug off God's discipline, but don't be crushed by it either. It's the child he loves that he disciplines; the child he embraces, he also corrects." -Hebrews 12: 5-6 (MSG).
I know you're probably thinking: well, what are you seeing in that mirror girl?? *insert eyes emoji*
Don't I always tell you my business? Today is no different.
Its simple. I was having a conversation with co-workers. I made a comparative statement and then someone made a statement that slightly refuted my statement. My response was to explain further what I meant, based on what I had seen and believed to be true. Then the subject naturally transitioned into some other topic.
But I didn't leave the conversation feeling good. I felt sorry and awkward. And a quick Google search proved me to be wrong. I was wrong.
It even hurt to write that without defending why I was wrong. But it really doesn't matter. The point is that I have an issue with being right, being a know it all, and thinking my opinion is law. This is a mirror God had been holding in my face for some years now.
"Hello, my name is Miya and I'm a know it all."
*K.I.A group* "Hi Miya!"
As much as I love Erykah Badu, I should know very well, that the man that knows something, knows that he knows nothing at all. And that's not just Badu, that's bible! (1 Corinthians 8:2).
I don't want my belief in my own intelligence to be my downfall. And most of all I don't want to feed my own ego at the expense of making other people feel small. The guilt and shame is not worth it!
I think I struggle with this because I spent a lot of my life staying quiet. Meeting new people and expressing my thoughts out loud is still fairly new for me. My filter for what to say and how to say it fails me sometimes; I'm human. And then there's accepting that some things are fact and some things are opinion. And the Judge Judy in me wants my opinions to be everyone's opinions. But that's not the real world; sometimes we have to agree to disagree.
The hardest part of acknowledging this is loving myself through this ugly truth. My natural instint is to punish myself. But that's not what God wants. His mercies are renewed every morning.
Light bulb moment! One of my favorite movies is ATL. If I remember correctly, towards the end of the movie, one of the twins falls down while she's roller skating. Skateman rolls by and says, "Skateman says, get back up and try it again, babygirl! Get back up and try it again!"
This is God in my life whenever I mess up, gently encouraging me to keep on trying. That's grace! The unmeritted, unearned favor of God. And deeper than grace and mercy, I know that God's desire is to nip this thing in the bud now while its still small, rather than later when it could cost me something very valuable. Nobody wants to be Saul!! (1 Samuel 15).
For a week or so now, I've made an effort to take 8-10 minutes a day to just be quiet, after getting home from work. I lie down and do a guided meditation to transition into the rest of my day. It has been the thing that reminds me to be present and not get dragged down by gossip, news, and whatever other crazy things are happening in the world.
I will keep doing this for the rest of the month and I'll be sure to keep you all updated on how its improving my mental health.
This was on my mind all weekend so I wanted to share with you all. What are you seeing in the mirror God is holding in front of you? Cause I know I'm not in this alone *insert eyes emoji*
And in Miya Marie fashion, a few songs/videos for your listening/viewing pleasure..
In the name of God's grace!!
In the name of nostalgia, Georgia, and 2006!!
Until the 21st night of September!
Xo,
Miya Marie~