This blog post has been on my mind for two weeks. I talked myself out of writitng it before. But here I am, once again, asking you to care. Because since I left Korea it feels like nobody cares..
TL;DR: I have a love-hate relationship with social media. I love glancing into people's lives. I hate how I compare everyone's glance, to my big picture. I deleted Instagram from my phone on Sunday and installed it again by Wednesday. And I can't even remember why I re-installed it. Whatever the reason, I can't say it's worth it. There are only two things keeping me from removing my account all together: the aesthetic of my digitally curated life and Verzuz. That's literally all.
If social media did not exist, how might my life be different?
I might have gotten over my lack of enthusiasm for making phone calls by now. High school was probably the last time I spoke on the phone for an hour or more with someone not related to me. I hate talking on the phone! I'm that person on the phone, walking through every room of the house, picking up random items...feeling the minutes of my life pass me by.
Or maybe I would've preserved the art of letter writing. Snail mail and calligraphy seem like more my speed. Either way, I would need to put in way more effort than swiping a screen to keep in touch with my friends. Am I the only one feeling disconnected? Is it just the pandemic? Or is it the woes of social media?
I mentioned it in a bar on the rap in my last post but, my line is indeed dry. That was the realest, most meaningful thing I said out of the whole 16! (I don't know how to count rap bars but I think it was more than 16 lol). If it wasn't for The O.G., my day one, whose constant, yet easy friendship is one of my first and favorite testimonies, I would've lost my mind long ago (Let her tell it, I already have lol).
Every few years, I get in this dark space mentally and I think to myself, "If I stopped existing, would anyone care? Who would miss me?" And I'm not writing this in search of sympathy or to be put on suicide watch! (I love my life! I'm too blessed to end it all!) But occasionally, I do get engulfed by loneliness and I feel like I am forgettable.
Bigger than my fear of death, is the fear of being forgotten.
And this is the moment when I realized why I love writing. I will pass away; its a guarantee. But I will live on in the pages and words that I leave behind. This is probably my greatest motivation for writing. I think about the lasting impact of my words.
But I am able to pull myself out of that dark space within minutes now. I think about my family. And I know that I am a spiritual being having a human experience: emotions.
And I remember that phones works two ways. I have the technology to call and hear the voice of anyone, whose ten digit number is listed in my phone. Rather than assume that friends don't care, because they are not checking on me when I want them to, is unfair and childish.
These feelings are also a result of returning home after being out of the country for three years. It's wierd y'all! I am in the exact same place that I grew up, but everything is different. I'm different. My family is different. My friends are different. I didn't just press pause when I left, and the press play when I got back! The world was still turning. Now I'm trying to play catch-up in so many ways, and it is often overwhelming. How is everything still the same? But still so different?
I'm just trying to remain, the laid-back, chill Miya that I have always been. Or rather, I appeared to be! Because the honest truth is, I am SUPER emotional. And I don't know if it's a Black thing, a church thing, a Holden thing, or just a human thing, but we all should have a Master of Arts in Facade...BECAUSE BABY!! WE BE FAKING IT. Trying to live up to the unspoken expectations we think everyone elsen is holdig us to. But the generational curse and congregational song stops here! Who do we think we're fooling!? Not Jesus.
And this is a slight rabbit trail, but as big as both sides of my family are, I should have more cousin-friends. My relationships with my cousins didn't last beyond my childhood. I don't have real friendships with ANY of my cousins. NOT ONE. I couldn't even call one of them if I wanted to, to simply say "Hey!" I would have to send a message via Facebook first to ask for their number. This needs to change!!
Because why have 100+ cousins and not one be a God-ordained friendship? If nothing else, I need to make sure I don't end up dating one of them! Fix it Jesus!!
Okay y'all...I don't know how to end this, but I'm done crying and I feel better now so...Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.
I'm off to unbox my new roller skates and use social media for something good: finding a skate group near me!
If you're family and you skate, we gotta link up, as the kids say! Are the kids still saying that? lol
If you're still following my blog even though I've left Korea, give yourself a hug from me! I love you for reading! Until next post!