If It's Worth It, Let Me Work It!...But What If It's Not?
I'll try my best to make this more organized, and not one of my quarterly brain dumps. But we all know this post is way overdue. July was uninspiring and August was becoming more of the sam. But I'm fighting to pull myself out of the funk of unemployment.
Technically speaking, I am employed. I am independently contracted to not one, but two companies. Both of which are work-from-home positions, seeming to have been a waste of my time and money. I say this because I haven't "worked" since May (choosing my words carefully because of the contract terms). And the second contract is fresh but looking just as bleak, only two days in. *eye-roll*
So in the meantime, I've been applying to more traditional, in-person jobs. All of which seem to be ghosting me or sending me, thank-you-for your-application-but-we-will-be-moving-forward-with-another-applicant rejection letters.
My self-worth decreases a little bit with each one I get.
It drops twice as much everytime someone asks me what I'm doing now, what I plan to do, or what I want to do.
I am skating. I plan to skate. I want to skate. "I tried to skate it away!" That's the lyric I'm adding to Cranes in the Sky.
Update: Skating it away doesn't work either.
When my self-worth went 'into the red', I had to drop the extras and get back to mys...get back to God!
I needed to find the root of my discontent. It is this: My self-worth is attatched to my status of employment. Because if I am employed I am giving my time and earning an income. Purpose and security. The problem is that just any job is not guranteed to fulfill my specific purpose. And money is a resource but not the true source of security.
This whole time I have been anxiuously filling out applications, chasing the best ROI for my time and peace of mind.
I was doing the work, but it was out of fear rather than faith. Fear of being judged for not working, and fear of the number of withdrawls exceeding the number of deposits on my bank statements.
Less than a month ago, I wrote the most honest poem I have ever written. Only God knows the content out of my fear of the conversations it may start. I recently read a quote that says, "A poem starts with a lump in the throat." The more honest I get, the bigger the lump in my throat.
I only brought that up to say, I've been actively studying the book of Romans since the day I started writing that poem. This is the first time since I took that Christianity course that I've actively studied my bible. I mean really enjoying and being encouraged by what I read. Asking questions and finding answers in corresponding scriptures.
So that is how I spent my week away from skating. Reading, writing, and praying. But for some reason, I also spent the week tormented by more fear. I could not sleep (I write this hoping tonight will be different). I lie awake listening to the creeping sounds of the night. My neighbor's barking Pitbulls. Random gunshots. Speeding cars. Sirens.
While I lay awake, I repeat "For God has not given ME the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." And, "Perfect love casts out fear." And I pray in the spirit, until I fall asleep. But I wake up again, every hour until dawn.
I don't even know why I've included this last bit about insomnia, as I like to present my problems after that have already been solved. But here I am...
What inspired me to finally sit down and write this post was Naomi Osaka's documentary on Netflix. Near the end of the episode, she says: "I've tied winning to my worth as a person. Until every one that knew me, would know me as a tennis player. So what am I, if I'm not a good tennis player?"
As a woman in a life transition, this resonated with me. The question of my identity has been a constant one since returning home. Who am I to my parents? Who am I to my friends? Who am I to myself? I don't know the answer to any of these, but what a good place to be to be used by God.
It's also a fragile place, where I can be easily distracted if I don't use my time wisely. Currently, I am still doing two devotionals a day and reading three books: The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. Live Free by Devon Franklin. Woman Evolve by Sarah Jakes Roberts.
Getting back to one of my ways, this song crossed my mind as I was finishing up this post. Enjoy! And I'll check in again, when things are looking better.