Updated: Feb 18, 2021
And it ain't no need to cry, I took a vow that from now on I'm healing through introspection!
In the same spirit of Beyonce's 2003 single, let's get right to the point! I've answered this question in a very facetious way on my FAQ post, but the first real reason why I am single is limited social interaction. Five days in a week, I wake up, go to work, and come right back home. On the weekends, I'm either working on this blog, writing my next book, or trying to figure out if Carole Baskin killed her "missing husband."
Pre-Covid 19, I attended church, but now church is live streamed so there's no need to leave my apartment. I was also accustomed to day trips in surrounding cities, but again...CORONAVIRUS! *Cardi B voice* It's been about nine months since I deleted my OkCupid profile and my DM's are drier than Kelly and Kenny's storyline on Love is Blind (and clearly I've been watching way too much Netflix!) My current daily routine is so bland, the chances of me meeting anyone with any dating potiential is next to zero.
Another reason why I am single and not ready to mingle, is because I am content. I have very little desire to be in a relationship right now. Why? I enjoy my single life. I come and go as I please, with no one to answer to. More importantly, I am focusing on being a woman worth dating. As women, we often have an idea of what we want in a partner (which God laughs at!) But while we're making requirements, do we even meet the same criteria that we set??
Living alone has given me the space to think about who I am and who I want to be. Singleness is the time to build the bridge, that leads from one to the other. For me, this looks like mindfulness. I pay attention on purpose to my own thoughts, behaviors, and patterns. I work to eliminate the things that I don't like, and do more of the things that look like the best version of myself. This is a lifelong journey that I'm sure will evolve with the current and future relationships that I cultivate. But for now I am happy healing in my own little corner.
The final reason why I am single is a subconscious fear of men. Yeah, I said it! This might sound outlandish; it was even a bit staggering for me to realize. What does this even mean? And how did I figure this out? I can't wait to tell you!
A subconsious fear of men is exactly what it sounds like: A fear of men that I was/am unaware of. But what exactly am I afraid of?
I've been asking myself this question long before I sat down to write this blog post. Maybe years. Am I afraid of men? This was either preceeded by or followed by, Am I afraid of the men in my life? (As someone who is quite analytical, this is not abnormal for me.)
There's my father, grandfather, brothers, uncles, cousins, and friends...
Acording to Merriam-Webster, fear is (1) an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger. (2) An anxious concern. (3) Profound reverence and awe especially toward God. (4) Reason for alarm.
I don't believe that the men I hold established relationships with are dangerous. However, I do have an anxious concern about how I am perceived by men.
"But Miya, don't you care about how you're perceived by women?"
I do, but somehow it's different. And, both tie back to the desire to be liked (something I'm still working to let go of!) A man not liking me, seems like losing an opportunity for romantic love. A woman not liking me is losing out on an opportunity for friendship. Although one isn't more valuable than the other, loosing an opportunity for love when statistics are already unfavorable, is a harder pill to swallow.
Anxious concern about how I appear in the eyes of men has caused me to do some silly things. I mean, I have literally acted out of character, saying things I thought men wanted to hear, and behaving in ways to earn their attention. In some cases I avoid them all together.
Storytime! One summer during high school, I joined a girl friend for dinner and a movie. If I remember correctly, we went to eat at Chili's. While we were eating, she made a comment that I thought about often afterwards: "Why are you eating so cute? Just eat!"
To. This. Day, I still eat "cute!" I am usually quite self conscious when eating around strangers. But if one of those strangers is a man, I am eating like a bird. And then I go home and shed a tear for all the food I didn't eat.
I've worn uncomfortable clothes/shoes, beat my face, held my tongue, laughed at stupid jokes, all to "perhaps" please a man. And as I think on these things and more, I realize the hurt and diservice I've done to myself, by not simply being...myself. But the truth is, I was still on a journey to find out who I was...and I still am.
Toxic things I unconsciously caught:
1. Aspire to be married.
2. Be seen and not heard.
3. Men define your worth.
4. Men are more powerful.
5. A single woman is less valuable than a married one.
Unfortunately, I've lived a lot of my life aspiring to be married. Since childhood I believed the lie that my greatest accomplishment would be marriage. And this does not mean that I don't desire marriage in the future. But now I know that I am a woman of many gifts and which may be far more valuable than a wedding ring.
Here's some songs in the name of self love, growth and positivity!