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What Do I Want? Everybody Quiet

I'm starting this blog post without a title. I usually have one, and it acts as my guiding light for whatever the topic is. But since I don't have a good one, let's accept that this will be one of those long, rant-ish updates, I do so well!

WELCOME! Since the last time we met, I have been super busy. I started my master's program, dyed my hair blonde to feign some control of my life, and most recently, I quit my job. Also, unfortunately, I made the mistake of believing I was ready to date someone new. HA! Laughable.

The master's program is re-teaching me discipline and time management. I'm five weeks into a six week summer session. It's going well now but, around about the 2nd week I thought I was about to fail my history class. I was delayed in purchasing my books so I missed a few assignments and a quiz. I had a failing grade of 35%. CHILE. The embarrassment. Luckily the professor was gracious enough to reach out and get me back in order. Retaking the quiz and adding up the extra credit I had already done, got me back up to well over 100%. Thank God!

Truth be told, I've been casually considering dying my hair blonde for about a year, but I got a strong urge to do it around the time I published the last blog post. There's just something about changing your hair that feels like hitting the reset button. Dying your hair is step one in getting over a heartbreak, It is law! Every time I've colored my hair, it was preceded by a major rift involving a man. But I'm F-R-E-E fu.....,,.Ya'll know the song!

As for quitting my job, it was on the agenda for months. It was just a matter of time catching up with where my mind already was. My new job starts the first week of August so until then I'm enjoying a mini summer vacation. Staycation, actually.

The devil is busy. I was minding my own business. In my bed watching YouTube videos, finally feeling content, after weeks of crying, and wanting to slash a ninjas tires. Then I get a phone call. Somebody's son. Me. Friday, Blind date.

Why do I agree to things I don't want to do? It's not really that I didn't want to. I want to be open to meeting new people. but I think it's too soon. (I'm saying all of this in hindsight)!

I was just accepting the fact that now is not the time for me to be dating. Things keep going awry because I'm putting too much effort into dating and not enough time into taking care of myself mentally and spiritually. Knowing myself better so I can make better dating decisions. Blah. Blah, Blah. *eye roll*

I went on the little funky blind date or whatever. And it was fine, nice even. I think the main reason it was nice is because we went wine tasting and I was tipsy AF. Because we went out two more times and vibes were not as good, but it was cool.

I can't go into too much detail, as some things are not my business to tell. However, I will say this: the older I get and the more dates I go on, the better I get at recognizing red flags. My problem is not SEEING the red flags, my problem is collecting them instead of stopping and turning the opposite direction. Also, often times, energy is just off. In the words of my dear friend Wendy "He's moving mad."

We had planned to go out a 4th time (I KNOW, I KNOW), but due to some misunderstanding and miscommunication, it didn't happen. Coincidence? I think not. I don't want another date. What I want is to learn how to have hard conversations early. How to stand firm on what I want and need, without caring about causing a conflict or hurting others. What about the conflict within myself and my own hurt? What about wasting time? Making useless memories? A runaway date now is better than a runaway bride in two years.

After two years of going on dates and getting to know people, I just want peace and quiet. I want to use all the data I've gathered, mostly about myself, and use it to heal and grow. I wanna know God closely, I wanna teach the babies. I wanna skate. I wanna listen to my music. I wanna write and share experiences, here, like this. I wanna know what I want for myself, not what society or everybody else wants for me. I wanna feel connected to something bigger than myself.

Aha! Now I'm gonna scroll back up and write my title, Until next crisis...


Miya Marie~

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