What I Learned In Dating School Today Is...
Updated: Dec 28, 2022
I know I have not written a proper blog post since August, and until then I hadn't said anything all 2022! Forgive me. I hope y'all had a year filled with growth, excitement, and transformation. I sure did. Whew! Let's talk about it, shall we?
Technically speaking, I've only been thirty for exactly two weeks. But I spent most of this year focused on dating. I dated and I had a time, chile! It was fun, it was emotional, it was scary, it was expensive (in many ways than one). Overall it's been a beautiful learning experience and I would not change a single thing. I wanna break down what I learned, mostly for myself, but having a quiet audience helps me articulate and express myself a bit better.
Numero uno: Know yourself!
What a layered statement. To start dating its very helpful to know your why. Why are you dating? What are your intentions? Are you casually dating? Are you dating to marrry? How are you dating? Are you meeting people through friends? Are you open to online dating? etc. On the basic level, what do you want? why do you want it, and how do you want to get it?
Another layer comes once you start dating. While interacting with potential partners, as relationships develop, you learn more about them and yourself. Relationships are a mirror. Seeing myself through my interactions with others is the most eye-opening, humbling thing to me. At times its shocking. But its so valuable, because I can see my stregnths and my weaknesses.
My stregnths are humor and comfort. I'm gonna make you laugh and I'm gonna make you feel at home. And often times those go hand in hand.
My weakness is communication. I keep a lot to myself and I often forget that people cannot read my mind. I think this is because being quiet comes most natural to me. I spend a lot of time alone and I can hear my own thoughts. I forget to say things or I talk myself out of saying things. I could make a whole post about this alone, but I'll spare y'all. Whew.
Numero Dos: Keep Your Word & Your Boundaries.
This is a simple one. These days, word is not bond but it should still be. Keeping your word speaks to integrity, loyalty, and trustwothiness. All top tier human qualities. Usually a person who keeps their word is very careful about the promises that they make. I won't say that I have a completely consistent record of keeping my word. But If I didn't keep my word it was probably in the best interest of myself, the other person, or both of us in the long run.
Setting and keeping boundaries is fairly new to me. I'm still developing them and learning to honor my own boundaries. However, witnessing others around me set their boundaries is very inspiring. Plus, I'm still reading "Set Boundaries, Find Peace" by Nedra Glover Tawwab.
Numero tres: Don't settle.
If you want something specific, you are worth waiting for it. Do not take whatever you're given out of fear that what you really want is not available to you. In 2019 I promised myself that I would stop only dating people who wanted to date me and go after who I wanted. I have not beem actively dating for long, and the reason was because I didn't have the confidence to date the people I was attracted to. In my mind, there was no way so-and-so would think I was attractive too! As fine as he is? HA!
But the lie detector test determined that was a lie! There's a certain man who is FINE in many ways, who thinks I'm FINE too. And there's many more where that one came from! #BOOP
On the other hand, there's another man who's personality shines through and through. And for a second I thought he was the will of God for me. But God gives us the power to choose our destiny. And I choose to be mentally, emotionally, and physically attracted to my man. #Imworthit #realbad #thatsthatonthat
Numeo cuatro: Communicate...always. all ways.
Of course I came full circle with this one cause it's a big deal. Talking about wants, needs, issues, and triggers is a MAJOR key. Its impossible to build a relationship with anyone without talking. Easier said than done though. I've already admitted my own communication issues. I'm such a loner and being quiet is my default setting. But if I want to have successful relationships I gotta speak up!
I think what would help me is one, a partner who sets the atmosphere by being vulnerable himself, and two, feeling geuine interest from my partner aka ask questions. I am that first line in At your best (you are love), Aaliyah's version. Honestly, that whole song resonates! I can be an open book when I feel emotionally safe and the right questions are being asked. #themoreyouknow
So if I can sum up this entire post in a sentence I'd say: Date someone who you're attracted to on every level, whose stregnths and weaknesses compliment yours, and who you're willing to do the work with.
I usually link relevant songs from youtube at the end of my posts but I've been in my playlist bag. So linked below is a short Spotify playlist of some of the songs that helped me feel my feelings throughout this year. I hope you had a great Christmas holiday and cheers to a relaxing end to this year.
Better communication. Better relationships. 2023.