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"I don't know what I'm doing."

We are nearly two weeks into 2024. (Happy new year!)

Since November of last year, I started to believe that a teaching career was probably not a suitable choice for me. Keep in mind I had began my master's program in July. Three months into working at the elementary wing of my former high school, I was mentally over it. And I'm not even an official teacher yet.

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned it before but, there is a laundry list of issues in education from allocation of funds to classroom management. I won't beat a dead horse, especially one with a blinking neon pointing right at it.

November is also when I started looking at job opportunities in other fields. I did a lot of research on UX design. I even started Google's UX design course. Then I looked into Library Science. After all, Mychal (@mychal3ts on Instagram) has made being a librarian seem like the best job ever!

But then I got an unforgettable phone call. My pastor, Pastor Charles Jones, died suddenly.

Pastor Jones has been my pastor since I was 8 years old. I grew up in Gary Christian Center. From being a child in the children's ministry, to praise dancing. From praise dancing to the youth ministry. From the youth ministry to helping in the children's ministry. From the children's ministry to the singles ministry. From the singles ministry to the video department. I was only separated from GCC by 6,500 miles during the three years that I lived in South Korea. When I returned from Korea I went back to my church home and joined the ushers and greeters team. Gary Christian Center is my foundation.

The sounds of lament that escaped my lungs surprised me, but not God. God knows how much I loved Pastor. God knows Pastor was loved. And a portion of God's love for Pastor was expressed through every person who ever loved him. Pastor Jones was loved, and lives on in the fond memories of each heart he touched.

And even after his death, I was touched by the multitude that attended his funeral. And touched even more, by the stories shared by all who had the priviledge of knowing him.

In church, the day after his funeral, the last stories I heard were spoken by the former assistant pastor of the church and the first minister ordained by Pastor Jones. He spoke about his love for Pastor and how he grew in the years he spent serving in the ministry. In one particular story, he stood with Pastor in his office. In a moment of transparency, Pastor said, "I don't know what I'm doing." As a sheep, hearing your shepherd speak those words must have been shocking and worrisome.

Although Pastor Jones didn't know what he was doing, God did. Speaking those words was a form of surrender, allowing God to move through him, like Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10:

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

The story comforted me. Because the Pastor Jones that I saw in the pulpit was powerful and wise and astute. Though I have experienced the humanness of his kindness and generosity, the transparency expressed in that shared memory of him was most relatable to me.

I often feel like I don't know what I am doing. I especially feel it now, at 31 years old trying to figure what I want to do with my life. I simply don't know. But I'm starting to believe I'm right where I need to be. Where God wants me to be

Since hearing that short story about my Pastor, I have been reflecting on what it means.

When I was just helping in the children's ministry I felt unqualified. When I was teaching English workshops to study abroad students I felt unqualified. When I worked at after school programs, I felt unqualified. When I taught in Korea I felt unqualified. While teaching at a childcare center I felt unqualified. And even now, when I am asked to take the lead or substitute for a class, I feel unqualified.

The underlying reason I am fearful of stepping into the official role of a teacher, is the level of responsibility it takes and either the students or my peers seeing how unqualified I really am. But I recall someone saying, He rarely calls the qualified but He qualifies the called. And everything I have been called to do, God gives me the grace to do it.

"Likewise, you who are younger be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you , with humility toward one another, for "God opposes the proud but Gives grace to the humble."

Humble yourselves, therefore under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:5-7

So I write all of this to say, moving forward I want to say yes to everything God calls me to. Every job. Every place. Every relationship. Every dollar. Every trial. Every book. Every blessing.

I was born on purpose, with a purpose, and I will be purposeful.

My name is Miya, and I don't know what I'm doing, But God does.

Until we meet again,


Miya Marie~

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