The first thought that entered my mind upon walking back into my empty home on Sunday morning was: this would be the perfect time to unalive myself.
I wish I could say that that was the darkest thought, I've had all my life, or even all 2023. It's not. Since February, I've been on an emotional roller coaster, pretending like I've been having the time of my life but I've been holding my mental and emotional health together with homemade paste and duck tape. I wonder if those around me are starting to notice. I cannot fake a smile anymore or pretend to be interested in superficial conversation that won't matter in 5 minutes let alone 5 years.
The hardest part, is that I convince myself everyday that I'm not allowed to be sad. Nothing is "actually" wrong. There are people around me who have more pressing issues. A self inflicted broken heart should not stop my world from turning.
I didn't even know what was wrong with me until I asked God to reveal it to me. The first half of Proverbs 13:12. Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick. (msg) Heartsick. Heartbroken. Tomato, to-mah-to! I had it and it was coloring every other area of my life in a tint of black and white. A tint of pessimism, if you will. A tint of irritation. What do I do, when the things that usually make me happy, all have an undercurrent of sadness?
I hide. I isolate myself. I distract myself. I pretend to be alright in front of everyone except God. I do everything Solange mentioned in Cranes in the Sky. Until my mental and emotional sickness manifests itself physically.
I have been some level of sick the entire month of May. Sore throat, fever, congestion, runny nose, cough. Until today. Today I went outside a few times. And I helped somebody who is in worse shape than I am. Somebody who may never be able to return the favor. And it took my attention off my pain and showed me how blessed I am.
Before today, the only moment I was genuinely happy all year was last month when I treated myself to a trip to the local National Record Convention. The following week I was hired for new job but there was still some sadness lingering around the corner. Got accepted into the the master's of education program at [Nobody's Business University]. Still sad though.
I'm still journeying through healing, but this forced solitude has helped me look myself in the mirror. I let myself feel sad and angry. Cry or laugh. I am riding the tides of my emotions while I have the time to. This sadness is only seasonal, because it can't rain forever.
Things I (in)consistently do to overcome sadness:
Find encouraging scripture or quotes
Watch a movie
Cook for myself
Write out my feelings
Personal dance party
Talk to Jesus
Genesis 32:26; Isaiah 40:31; Job 13;15; Psalm 30:5
Until the sunshine comes...or the next rain cloud...God speed.