A few months back I wrote about realizing I wasn't really feeling and processing my emotions. Well it has happened again. How do I know? When I catch an attitude about something small, its my check engine light blinking, telling me to check myself because there's a bigger issue.
I realized I was trippin' after my reaction to a simple conversation about pumpkin pie. "I don't eat that!" I said it so quickly and strongly, I shocked myself! I immediatly felt guilty and just plain crazy. I wanted so badly to explain the long running undertsanding that Black people don't do pumpkin pie. We do sweet potato pie!...HOMIE! But after having a week (two weeks if you count the talk with a close friend about this very topic) to overthink this mess, I can see how silly it is that a dessert is one more thing diving Black and white people.
This wasn't even about pumpkin pie. It was really about my hair...
Last week I changed my hair in the name of the changing seasons. I went from short curly twist-outs to long, wavy inches. INCHES HONEY! And I was already preparing my mind for the battle field of the teachers at my school and their comments. *insert eye-roll*
I've heard it all before! "Is it real?" "Is it a wig?" "Where did you buy it?" "How much does it cost?" "Can I touch it?" "This hair looks better!"
Better? BETTER!?
Prepare for battle.
I adressed this on my instagram story but I'll let it be known again here: One hairstyle is never better than another. I change my hair almost as much as I change oufits. Just like I dress for different occasions, I change my hair for different occasions. My hairstyles fit different moods. Never use the word "better" when referring my hair or any Black persons hair...CHILE! I just got angry all over again!
The problem with this anger is that no one said my straight hair was better than my curly hair (this school year). So mentally preparing myself for something that I assumed would happen made me defensive for no reason. I had my mental fists up ready to fight in the name of every wrong done to the African diaspora since 1619. Unni had it coming when she brought up pumkin pie in the presense of a sista! But she didn't even know she was in danger!
Me when I got home after beating myself up about it all day:
I cried and I prayed, asking God to show me what was wrong with me. And He told me I was walking around with my fists up for no reason. "You right, God. I hear you!"
I'm still healing from past hurt and learning to leave my assumtions at the door. Life is much easier when you free yourself from the opinions and expectations of others. I recently saw a quote that said, "If you don't heal from what hurt you, you'll bleed on people who didn't cut you."
I'm a much more pleasant person when I don't have my guard up. Thankfully, I'm seeing myself clearer than ever before and I can become the best version of myself because of it.
Is what you're angry about, really what's bothering you? Or is it something deeper?
..And to my coworker who I snapped at, my bad for trippin on you!
..And here's to getting better!
Exodus 14:14